Today the mail lady asked me how much longer I have, after coming up to our door and seeing the belly I’ve been carrying around now for months.
“About a month or so”, I answered, and as I closed the door I thought to myself, like many times over the past few weeks, in such a short time we are going to have TWO children.
How did that happen? Tomorrow marks 34 weeks for me, and because Lucas was born 2 weeks early, I have my suspicions that Annie will also arrive sometime around 38 weeks… which puts me at ‘about a month or so’.
Which is crazy.
There is so much unknown with this baby and this birth this time around. Will she be unusually tiny like Lucas? (He was 4 lbs 8 oz) Will she look like him? Will she have hair?
But the scarier unknowns surround another birth that I have to go through. Everyone has said the 2nd + time is “easier”, “better”, “different”, and if I could spend the money to guarantee that, I would. But there is no guarantee. There is no guarantee that my body will continue to cooperate or that my platelet levels could drastically drop at the last minute, causing a fuss and a completely different birth plan. We could quickly go from one extreme to the other.
A shorter, easier birth is certainly my hope, but more so, and more importantly…
I hope every day that we survive.
I don’t know if it’s different for everyone the first time around, but I didn’t fear leaving anyone behind. Sure, my husband, my parents, family were around the first time, but until you are a mother, you have no fears of leaving them behind.
Every night I lay in bed with Lucas for bedtime and we snuggle & talk. Some night’s he holds my hand, bust most nights he just rests his hand upon my hand or arm and looks at me and smiles.
And every night I leave his room nearly in tears, sometimes I am.
What if something does happen and I leave behind this 4 year old that is my whole world? I look at his little face and think to myself how unfair that would be.
So my goal is to survive. To push on. No matter what it takes.
To block that out and allow only the good stuff in.
The stuff made up of pretty baby things I can buy that are completely unnecessary, cozy pants that make me happy, time with family and friends before Annie comes, positive birth vibes to start this next chapter of my journey, preparing for Annie with the last few things we need, knitting like crazy for her, and loving on my boys.
Because before I know it, my last sessions over the next few weeks will be photographed and she will be here. And then before I know it I will be back to work and life will develop into a new normal.
Jenny Cruger Photography specializes in newborn, baby, maternity, family, and child photography in Nashville, TN and surrounding areas including but not limited to Franklin, Brentwood, Spring Hill and Murfreesboro.